I have been afraid since about 10pm on election night. I couldn't deal with what was unfolding. I had to get away. My escape was downloading the Airbnb app and searching for a cheap six-month rental in Portugal. I did this for several hours, and I did find several. Even messaged two owners. I was ready to get on the next flight as a tourist rather than wait months to work through the two-page checklist for what I'd need to bring to Washington D.C. when applying for a residency visa, and then actually getting it.

This escape to fairytale land continued during chunks of Wednesday. To keep the stress at bay I began exploring van life in Portugal and Europe as a distraction. It worked for a while, until a second layer of anger made itself known in the late afternoon.

One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis: "I sat with anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief." I began to explore my anger, to figure out what triggered it. It didn't take long, it was the injustice, pain, hate, violence, and death that's to come. The "find out" part needs to be the rude awakening and painful truth because the "f%#& around" part has already begun. When Christian nationalists get all the power, the first amendment will be shredded.

This second wave of anger came with the strong need for justice on all kinds of fronts. But that didn't happen.

That's why fear set in. I suddenly wanted to be able to identify those who voted to take away my rights and those of millions of others. I know I am on the list of "others." It was fitting that the tarot card I pulled on Samhain as the theme of the year to come – The Hierophant – represented religion, the patriarchy, capitalism, and laws. I was angry because I knew I couldn't move to Portugal, I couldn't take my white privilege and walk away from the struggle for equal rights that began for me when I was seven.

I thought fleetingly of Portugal and promised myself if it looked like I was going to crash and burn, I would find a way to take a cheap vacation there.

In the meantime, I came across the idea that "joy is resistance." I am committed to finding more joy.